You should really tell her that you’re married…If you don’t want a lamp thrown at you.

I slept with married guy.

I wish I could say this was a one-time thing, but it’s not the first time I’ve been the other woman. I’m not proud of it & I don’t know why I’m always the lucky girl this happens too. It’s not like I didn’t come from a good home, my parents love each other and never had any major martial problems. I’m sure if Hank(my Dad) did step out on Nora (my Mom), she would stab him in his sleep – plus, they would never bearable to afford two divorce lawyers. No, after 40-something years of marriage, they’re still painfully in love and they still kiss before my Dad leaves for work in the morning. It’s adorable.

I hate them and their happiness.I’ve lost 300 pounds (21 stone) and I’d like to think I don’t have to make the same mistakes I made when I was the size of a manatee. I want to find that one person who accepts me – for the good and the bad and sticks by my neurotic ass no matter what – whether it’s God awful and going down like the Hindenburg or when everything is perfect and we’re tip toeing thru the tulips.

Sorry, I had the weird urge to listen to Tiny Tim and you need to suffer along with me.If only I could be that cold, heartless beast who feels nothing.Life would be so much easier. Not really, but you know what I mean. As much as I don’t see myself as the marrying kind(lies), the idea of dying alone and unloved is scary and the funny thing is – these thoughts never popped in my head or bothered me when I was a cow like creature roaming around beautiful downtown Boston. For whatever reason, since losing the weight – I want more out of life. I don’t want to be the hose bag side dish, who settles – I want it all. *bangs head* It’s embarrassing. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could lock up these feelings and throw away the key. But I can’t. I have to own it and deal with it. Can you reprogram an evil (yet adorable) woman overnight, so she forgets all the horseshit stuff from the past and sticks to what she’s good at? Being cold, funny and not caring about being alone?

No? Thanks for nothing. Now, before you start judging me on my selection of men – I didn’t know he was married. The man in question didn’t wear a ring and he sold me a false bill of goods. Found out that ‘his place’ was actually his friend’s place. He’s just watching it while his friend is working in China. He redid everything to make the apartment to look like his! He went so far & swapped out his friend’s pictures for his! Ok, so that is probably something a crazy person does – but he did it and surprisingly enough, I thought he was normal. Needless to say, I’m horrible judge of character. In a weird, sick way, I’m flattered he did all that to get me. But that’s also something a crazy person says.

Once again, horrible judge of character – I’m sure Mary Jo Kopechne’s mom was a lot like me. “You want to go to a party and the Kennedy boy will drive you home? That sounds lovely, tell Teddy I said ‘H!’

So I guess I should share with you how I found out. We had gone out on a few dates and started sleeping with each other as soon as humanly possible. I move quickly – I know, I know. I shouldn’t. Thanks for the lecture, Mom! Listen, I liked him and I knew the feeling was mutual – so why not rush into something and potentially ruin it with sex?

That’s healthy, right? We were at ‘his place’ and we had just finished up. It was late, he was just popped into the bath for a shame shower and his phone started to ring.

“Can you get that?” And that’s when it went downhill. See, he got cocky and thought he was in the clear. It’s a rookie mistake and let’s face it – we’ve all made them. I hadn’t gotten the sentence “He’s in the shower, can I take a message?” out of my mouth, before the women on the other end of the phone started freaking out. “Who the fuck is this? I knew that motherfucker was up to something! Tell that asshole that his WIFE wants him home right now, because he needs to get up early tomorrow and start looking for a good lawyer! “

Me – Yes, ma’am.

“Fuck you, whore!” *dial tone*

Well, that was uncalled for. I fought back the urge to call her back, scream at her and explain my side of the story. But since I didn’t want to be hunted down by a more than likely unstable woman and die a painful death, I decided against it. I mean, she did have a right to be mad. I would be too. But it’s not my fault he’s a fool with amazing taste in side pieces. I sat for a min or two in shock and then he walked out of the bathroom, completely clueless to what just occurred.

“Was that my office?”

“No,” I said and smiled. I got up, gave him a kiss and punched him in the stomach.

DOWN GOES FRAZIER! 

I often wonder what causes a person that starts speaking in tongues, but that’s the best way to describe the verbal bashing I gave him. I cursed him out. I cursed out his parents for raising him poorly. I cursed his wife out for giving him a reason to cheat and for cursing me out. I followed that up with another punch to the gut and throwing a lamp at him on my way out. Probably overkill, but I didn’t want to leave any stone (or lamp) unturned.

He’s called a couple times since the proverbial shit hit the fan. I’ve been ignoring his calls, mainly because if I answer the phone – I’ll more than likely have the urge to throw it against a wall and I’m not eligible for an upgrade until the summer. IPhones & Lumias are expensive.

I thought everything was supposed to be easier when you got skinny? Lies, all lies! Listen, I know life wasn’t going to be magical and wonderful when I got to my goal size – but seriously? I have to deal with this nonsense now? I just want my day in the sun and not have to deal with this bullshit constantly. Evidently my weight loss turned me into one of those insufferable Taylor Swift creatures who are awful human beings and impossible to deal with. I missed the whole thing about losing weight turns you into a moron.

The funny thing is, if my life was rainbows and sugar-free lollipops, I’d complain about how bored I was.

Dumbass.

Mind you I’m typing this piece out while wearing Cynthia Rowley, playing with my talking Chewbacca doll and listening to Graham Coxon’s most recent record.

I’m a complicated woman. Maybe that’s my problem? Hardly, I’m an asshole who’s asking for too much.

Cupid Comes Back To Boston!

Let’s try this again!!

Since Nemo ruined the fun back in February,  Project Cupid’s 4th Annual Date Auction at the Estate Nightclub on March 9th from 6 to 10! All of the money raised for this event will be going to help the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute and the Jimmy Fund fight pediatric leukemia.

If you want to know more about eligible bachelors and bachelorettes on the auction block – check out some of their twitter pages: @jen_royale, @blipchop of @plentyof20s, @kym_nguyen, @wilfredboston, @scsizzle10, @mikeriley54, @meylsha7, and @gabbadessa.  You can also bid on a member of the Mass Attorney General’s Office, a research scientists, a couple of attorneys and few more catches that you need to check out for yourself!

Or if you’re looking for something to do with that someone who loves sports or who’s dying for a night on the town,  you can bid on one of their live auctions:

#1 Celtics Package will feature a basketball signed by Paul Pierce, 2 tickets to an undetermined game and a gift certificate to The North Star Boston . This package has an estimated value of $425

#2 New England Patriots Package will feature a football signed by Brandon Spikes and 2 tickets to a 2013-2014 game with two tailgate passes to Dana-Farber Field house where you will have unlimited foods and drinks. This package has an estimated value of $700.00

#3 Red Sox Package will feature a bat signed by Jason Varitek, two Red Sox tickets and two Lowell Spinners tickets that include first pitch. This package has no estimated value because how can you put a value on throwing out the first pitch.

#4 The Date Package will feature a one night stay at Ames Hotel, $50.00 gift card to Picco in the South End, Haircut, Style and Color Avanti Salon , $50.00 gift card to East Coast Grill and 2 tickets to see Blue Man Group at The Charles Playhouse . This package has an estimated value of $600.00

#5 The New England Revolution Package will include a ball signed by New England Revolution , 4 tickets to a Revolution game and 4 on-field passes. This package has an estimated value of $1100.

Whether you bid on one of the potential dates or one of the live auction items, all of the money raised is going to a great cause and helping to fight a terrible disease. Plus, I’m going to be there – so why wouldn’t you go? Tickets are $20 & can be purchased here!

Just because Valentine’s is over, doesn’t mean you can’t have a heart and help someone in need! See you then!

The Charmless Man – WhatsUpWhatsOn.com

The Brits welcomed me back for a third time and you get to see what I looked like PRE SURGERY.

Be Gentle?

http://www.whatsupwhatson.com/cameron-frye-the-charmless-man/

Smarmy Schmucks Need Not Apply

The men I’m dealing with now, see me completely differently than they did a couple hundred pounds ago. I’m not the massively overweight girl, they can pal around with, take to a hockey game and vent about their girl problems too. Because, really, who doesn’t love that?

There’s nothing like sitting next to a guy you like, while he’s droning on about some girl who broke his heart and he can’t imagine not having her in his life. So like a moron or good friend(it’s all the same thing in this situation) I would sit there, listening, giving him the best advice or properly manufactured nonsense I could think of – while drinking a Guinness, debating about asking the derelict Habs fan sitting next to me for a swig from whatever is in his flask (I would never do it though. The huge herpes sore on his mouth usually screamed – STAY AWAY!) and praying that Shawn Thornton will take a swing at someone and the conversation about Lil’Miss Perfect can stop.

Cut to a couple of years later – there’s ANOTHER NHL Lockout, I’m skinnier and dare I say, looking good(Cocky? WHY YES I AM!)? The whiny guy is married to Lil’Miss Perfect and he’s now banned from talking to the new me. Someone is feeling a little, less confident after popping out a couple of kids and putting on 40 lbs and I’m trying to enter this world a little less cynical. Case in point, I’m trying to stay positive about the whole Disney for buying the Star Wars series. Who knows, maybe this will finally lead to that Boba Fett series I’ve always wanted or at least get them to re-write history. A sarlacc pit, really?

So now I’m putting myself out there and meeting different guys, going out on dates – finding out what I like and what I don’t like. I tend to find more of what I DON’T like, but it’s a learning experience. At least that’s what I tell myself to keep me from banging my head against a brick wall over and over again until I’m numb or stopped by the proper authorities.

The old me would never have participated in any of the nonsense I’m doing now, like giving someone my phone number. But now, if I’m talking to a guy and I’m interested – he’s being slipped my phone number and *fingers crossed* he uses it. Sure he didn’t ask for it, but you never know when they’ll need it and besides, I give great text.

I’m more confident then I’ve even been and hopefully this new found confidence makes me more appealing to the people I’m trying to date and not look like a pompous fool. You need to find that happy medium between confident and smarmy. I went with the word ‘smarmy’ because ‘douchey’ is used to much and ‘smarmy’ just sounds classier. I know I’m all class, just laying in bed with my laptop, wearing my View Askew Vulgarians hockey jersey, argyle socks and a pearl necklace. Emily Post would approve.

Back to the smarminess(if it’s not a word, it is now!) and I am by no means a man hater, I love men. I’ve made many sexual mistakes with men and I would do it again. Most of my friends, when I were fat, were men. I had more in common with them. But now, it’s different. I don’t know if I’m just able to see through their bull shit now or they’re lacking confidence and they feel like they need to put up a front, but please stop. My vagina closes for business when this happens – so you’re out of luck, dudes. Granted there is the mouth. But I’m not getting on my knees, if you’re acting a fool. Listen, I fully admit to performing certain sexual acts to get out of a bad situation or ten. But even I have my limits and I just need to remind myself of the lessons Kenny Rogers once taught us. Know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know when to run out and pick up some tasty chicken!

What was I saying? Oh yeah – confidence! Of course I want someone who’s confident and assertive, but when confidence crosses that line and it’s suddenly over in cheesy/cringe worthy territory – nobody wins. I’ve been talking to someone and he seemed like a good guy. But recently, I had to shut him down. He’s turned into everything I hate and it would probably be healthier for me to say ‘knock it off’. But instead I write about it. Because that’s mature….and I’m a wuss who hates conflict.

“Are you one of those sexy secretary types in a tight skirts? You know, like in Mad Men?” “Are you wearing something naughty for Halloween? Turn a trick for a treat?” “Why not send me a picture of you enjoying yourself?”

These are some of the text messages I’ve received from the person in question, the douchiness is just raising off the words. It’s like Pig Pen just walked into a scene on Charlie Brown and he’s surrounded by dust, stank lines and flies. Here’s the thing, I don’t mind if you want to ask me questions like that – but it’s so pedestrian and desperate when you do it like that. It’s like he’s trying to fulfill a dream to get a letter into the Penthouse Forum.

“Dear Penthouse, I never thought it would happen to me…”

No chance. If you were low-key and not so obvious, I’d consider it. But when you’re begging for it, I can’t respect that. I always go back to something Janeane Garofalo said when talking about Kevin Smith’s movie, Chasing Amy:

“When Ben Affleck pulls the car over and talks to Joey, and tells her how he feels about her? I was like going ‘That will never happen to me. That will never ever happen to me.’ And by the way honesty does not work except for celluloid so don’t even try that, but to tell people that you like them will only serve to make them not like you. I mean that’s basically that’s all that’s gonna do. No matter how much you liked them, if they’re going to give you a full disclosure, now they’re not cool. ‘You like me? Oh…’ Like that’s–? So even if it did happen to me, it can’t happen to me, because if the cute comic book guy says ‘I love you and I’m better for loving you’ or all this stuff then I would have to go like ‘Well you’re gonna have to take me home because I don’t respect you at all anymore. Be a man! God! Be aloof! What’s your problem? Don’t call- You want me to like you? Don’t pick up that damn phone!”

And this is why I’m still alone. The minute a guy breaks down the wall and shows the slightest bit of interest in me, I shut down. I don’t know why, but I like a challenge. Let me work for it! Don’t make it so easy for me. Where’s the fun in that? I don’t get it either, but that’s how my brain works. Here’s the thing, I’m not looking to rush into anything. If I did that, then I’d end up stuck and miserable, then I end up in jail – because I tried to smother him in his sleep and I look horrible in orange. Spending the rest of your life in that God awful color would be a tragedy. One more reason why a challenge is good.

So I plan on ignoring him and I’m hoping he’ll figured it out on his own. I know it’s not mature, but it’s better than me saying: “I don’t know if you missed a memo, but you’re kind of a schmuck and that has turned my vagina into Death Valley. So I’m going to bail, empty a 100 gallon drum of Astroglide inside of me and see if that helps my snatch situation. Toodle loo, schnookums!”

I don’t think he’d like to hear that. He might find it a tad emasculating or just think I’m a evil wench for saying his piss poor attempts to be sexy has killed whatever living soul that was still inside me. But this has taken it to a whole new level. Cheers to you, sir. So I know there’s a nicer way of saying things and not ruin the moment. But I don’t have the energy to teach a remedial “How to seduce a girl” class. That’s what porn and your mom is for. Wait….what? No…I don’t even know. Yeah. No. Prank Caller!

Cameron Frye is a blogger(who isn’t these days?) from Boston. She’s lost 300 lbs and is less than thrilled with the lack of hockey in her life. You can read more of her ramblings on CameronFrye.com or you can stalk her and ask her out at twitter.com/cameronfrye.

THE (NEWLY) SKINNY: SOMETIMES SEX MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER

http://digboston.com/laugh/2012/09/the-newly-skinny-sometimes-sex-makes-everything-better/

Cakewalks & Cake Farts

http://t.co/Ot7jATuB

Something I wrote for SuicideGirls.com 🙂

THE (NEWLY) SKINNY: YOU CAN TEACH A SKINNY DOG NEW TRICKS

http://digboston.com/laugh/2012/09/the-newly-skinny-you-can-teach-a-skinny-dog-new-tricks/

THE (NEWLY) SKINNY: LIVE IN THE NOW, FRYE!

http://digboston.com/laugh/2012/09/the-newly-skinny-live-in-the-now-frye/

THE (NEWLY) SKINNY: SINGLE AND STUPIDLY OPTIMISTIC

http://digboston.com/laugh/2012/09/the-newly-skinny-single-stupidly-optimistic/

THE (NEWLY) SKINNY: THE ‘GENIUS’

http://digboston.com/laugh/2012/08/the-newly-skinny-the-genius/