Category Archives: Weight Loss Surgery

Unnecessary Head

Note from the author: I’ve been sitting on this piece for a while and I haven’t had time to write about my last train wreck situation. So here’s something to hold you over while I have time to clank on the keyboard tomorrow. Thanks, marmalade nipples!

Fast forward Margaret Cho clip to 8:31….best way to start off this piece. 

So I need to be reminded (a lot), that I’m not the same girl I once was. Like, if I’m shopping – I still go for the big girl stores or the big girl section and after looking around for a few minutes – I figure it out. By the way, I saw a G-string last week and I fit in one leg holes. I knew they made these things when I was humongous and big girls should be able to feel sexy too. But boy shorts look way better, ladies.

Because these habits are hard to break, I need to constantly remind myself that I don’t have to fall back on certain acts to get him interested in me and to get a second date. Keeping that side of me under control has been tough, but the game has changed and I’m not saying I don’t have to be a complete whore to keep a guy interested in me. But I can be a little more selective than I was before.

I think I had sex more back then, than I do now. Christ that’s sad. I know that’s not exactly the visual you needed (a 400 lb. woman, nude and getting plowed) or wanted to have today. But it amuses me that I’ve tainted your poor, little brains.

“So I don’t mean to be rude. But are you a virgin?”

My date asked me that, 15 minutes after we sat down. Mind you, he was 10 minutes late, so asking me if I still had my V Card is yet another way to end up on the shit list. I’m not so much offended that he assumed I was still a virgin, because Lord knows I do when I lay my eyes on some people out there. But I’m more annoyed by him just asking me that question in the first place. I fully admit to sharing too much, but you just don’t ask that 15 minutes into the first date. Maybe asking it mid-way thru the second or third date – but not on the first one.

“My ex use to eat like a pig. You’re only having a salad? I like you!”

My surgically modified stomach is a big selling point for guys out there and he’s not the first guy to say that to me.

So yeah, he got off on the wrong foot and I assume the date was going to end with me excusing myself to the bathroom and heading straight for the door. I’ve done it before and I’m a fan of the sneak away. I did it once to a guy at a Red Sox game. I ended up running into each other two years later…at a Red Sox game. We had a laugh, but he proceeded to email me for a month asking me why I bailed and asking me to tell him what he did wrong. Like I’m going to remember stuff like that, I use to drink a lot. I barely remember half of the guys I’ve slept with – do you honestly think I’m going to remember what caused me to pop on Iron Maiden and ‘Run to the hills…’?

While I was nibbling on my salad, I noticed the people sitting next to us were being obnoxiously adorable and lovey and I thought about throwing gasoline on them and lighting a match. They were doing the horse shit you do when you’re 11teen and you think you’re in love and all you do is kiss and hold hands and make the general public nauseous. We’ve all been there, but it’s something you grow out of and if you’re doing that now, you’re either on a tremendous amount of drugs or you ride the short bus and are developmentally challenged.

While I was going thru a barrage of inappropriate questions from my suitor, the truly, madly, deeply duo hit a snag and that’s when my date started to get better.

I know I shouldn’t take pleasure in other people’s pain. But when you watch something melt down in front of you in an amazing, ‘Dynasty’-like fashion…it’s superb.

Long story short, she wanted to bring him home and spend a week with her parents and according to him, they had been only dating for a few weeks and he didn’t think it was appropriate. He’s right, but then again I’ve never introduced any of the guys I’ve dated to my parents. It would have been awkward to explain that it’s basically just a sex thing and there’s more romance at a sperm bank.

Then again, it could be worse. I could be bringing guys from the ‘Casual Encounters’ section on Craigslist to meet my parents. Hank and Nora would LOVE that.

Back to the train wreck exploding in front of us, I understood his hesitation and I knew my date did too. We(my date and I) started passing notes back and forth to each other about how BS crazy she was and figuring out ways he could make a swift exit and enter into the witness protection program.

It got tense real quick and we tried to figure out how we could hide the knives and get extra napkins for the blood spatter. Their date ended with her storming out in tears, while he got drunk and wandered off. We spotted him walking out of dark alley with his second date for the evening. She was gorgeous and she decided to show the world she wasn’t wearing any underwear. She’s a woman on the go and she couldn’t be bothered with extra clothing restricting her movement…..of her balls.

We(my date and I, not the hooker and I – although, I’d love to know how the lady boy cleans up in a pinch and goes back on her ho’stroll like nothing ever happened) chatted some more during the walk and that’s where the old me revealed herself, like the great and powerful Oz.

Now, as I mentioned before – I have no intentions on going on a second date with him or calling him. It’s a one and done thing. But he did buy me dinner and we did end up having a decent time.

Here’s where old me came out of the wood work – I don’t know how to end things. In my head, I feel like I owe him one. I mean, he asked me out and took me out to a nice meal and even though I’m a cheap date, I feel like I owe him one.

There’s some weird glitch with my brain. I can’t take a compliment, I make a joke out of everything and whenever someone takes me out on a date, I feel like I repay them with head. It’s my version of the consolation prize you’d get after losing on a game show.

I guess there are worse things I could be giving them. I knew a girl in college who gave her dates herpes. “But I’m allergic to condoms!” Bitch please. See! Giving a few extra blow jobs isn’t so bad after all. Besides, it’s my way of giving back to the community.

I’m the Mother Theresa of sexual favors.


That Was Me!

Here’s what happens when Cameron gets pictures taken for the first time since losing 300lbs…

The Charmless Man –

The Brits welcomed me back for a third time and you get to see what I looked like PRE SURGERY.

Be Gentle?

Boney Boobs

I’m writing for a small mag in the UK –! Here’s a little something I did….more to come!



The more things change, the more things stay the same.

It’s been a while since I’ve written, so why not take the time and torturing you with my mildly coherent ramblings.

So life is starting to get back to normal and the job search continues. I just have to keep reminding myself it takes time and Rome wasn’t built in a day. I hate sounding like some cliche slinging douche nozzle, but facts are facts and sometimes the truth hurts. I had a conversation with my Mom and I was laughing and crying like a crazy person. We were talking about the job search & she was attempting to talk me off the ledge. I naively thought when I lost weight – it would be easier to find a good job. I just didn’t expect the economy to be in the  shitter and I didn’t also didn’t expect I’d be coming off a year of nonsense. *sigh* Such is life. What are you going to do?

I was talking to my favorite person from the West Coast last night and mentioned how I thought I changed so much this past year.  I dunno, maybe when I lost weight, I lost a part of myself. I mean, I’m still an asshole. I still laugh at & make inappropriate jokes. But the stuff that was important to me before or stuff I liked before doesn’t seem to matter. She said as long as I wasn’t a Dane Cook fan or a Republican, she approved of the new and improved me. Don’t worry, lady. I won’t be teabaggin’ anytime soon and this is the comedy I prefer.

'What do you mean George Glass isn't coming?

Even the selection of people I want in my life has changed. I love my friends and I would be lost without them. But there’s been a couple people who make me wonder – ‘Why was I friends with you in the first place?’. I second guess myself and wonder if I’m having a bad day when these thoughts roll into my head. But then I have a moment of clarity. Things change and people change. I’ve re-evaluated what’s important in the land of Frye.

But you know what? I’m happy. I can honestly say, I am happy. It’s weird, especially since my life has been a massive cluster fuck. But it’s also nice to say. Sure there’s little improvements I want to make(work, dating……I need this bag. It’s so mother fucking major.), but at the end of the day – I’m happy.

I had a friend mention  how I seemed calmer than I was before. “You’re not the ticking time bomb you use to be. You don’t sweat the stupid shit as much.”

Well, I do. But I keep it hidden. I don’t know, there’s going to be people who don’t like me and shit is obviously not going to go as planned – but what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Right? It fucking better or someone is getting cut.

When Did We Get So Dumb?

I have a confession to make, I don’t want to get married or have kids. Shocking, isn’t? I’m a grown woman and I’m not driven by getting a piece of hardware on my finger. I’d like to think there’s more to life than getting married and becoming a baby factory – but maybe I’m wrong.

I recently had to cut ties with someone, not because we got into a huge fight or whatever. I just couldn’t deal with what she’s become. I don’t know what it is, but why do women turn into morons the minute a man is in their life? I can understand it happening when we’re 12 and it’s the first time we have feelings for someone – but Christ almighty, grow up.

Listen, I’m not saying relationships are bad & you shouldn’t be in one. I just think, if you lose who you are when you’re in one – what’s the point? I had another friend who use to see a guy and he would give her a big wod of cash after their weekend trysts. When I found this out, I was speechless. “Well, he’s helping me out and he knows I need the money.” Now I’m all for the legalization of prostitution – but I don’t think I could whore myself out. No matter how badly myself & my boyfriend needed the cash. Did I mention she was in a relationship – on top of the one she had with her sugar daddy?

Now I know there’s probably a few of you who are thinking, ‘Well, Cameron is just jealous!’ and no, I’m not. Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t want a vagina that’s like saloon doors in a old Western and after everything I’ve been thru, I’d like to think I know what’s really important in life. You tend to do a lot of thinking when they’re replacing one IV with another in the hospital.

Prior to all of the nonsense of this summer, I was quite happy with my life. OK, I was a fat pig – but I was seeing guys. I must have been doing something right? And by ‘right’ I mean I was a slut. How else was I going to get a second date? I made it work for me and I was happy.

Besides, a train-wreck of a human being, like me, should NEVER have kids. Are you kidding me? Do you really think someone like myself, should be shaping the minds of the youth? The little bastard’s first word would probably be ‘Cunt’ and would be thrown off the playground for threatening to set fire to the other children. Plus, I’ve worked really hard to be happy with my body & I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some creature ruin it for me.

If they liked us before, why do we have to change? It’s like those girls who date guys only to change everything about them? Why not find a guy who’s what you want? Why do you have to mold them into something else? One of my guy friends was turned into a preppy clone once. We still mock him on a regular basis about it. He changed every aspect of his life for this girl and considered leaving a job he was happy at/with – only because she wanted him to do something she approved of. After less than a year, they broke up and he refers to her as ‘the Godless whore’ & punches things.

I recently started talking to someone. He’s cool – but he has secret nice side and it weirds me out. The asshole that lives inside wants to call him a ‘homo’ and throw a snowball at him and kick him in the balls. I’m a keeper I know. But I’m not use to guys who are sensitive and have feelings. I’m use to guys who throw the word ‘Cunt’ around as much as I do & shows his affection by letting me pick the seat I want in the movies.

Maybe I’m wrong? Maybe I should live my life according to what Cosmo and the crazy old lady at Target says? Last week while shopping at the Bulls-Eye, an old woman threw a couple pairs of fancy panties at me and tried to remove the ones I picked out already and then told me, “You’re too pretty to wear those & no man is going to want to see them. You shouldn’t give up already.” Ummm I haven’t. But since my body is in no condition to be seen naked right now – I really don’t care what I wear under my clothes. Once I get the skin overall & a new set of boobs – game on. By the way, if anyone wants to make a tax deductible donation towards my new boobs – I have a sliding scale of what liberties you get with my boobs if you donate. It beats going on Stern and having lunchmeat thrown at me.