Category Archives: Dumb Girls

The Woman Whose Ex Liked Her Better When She Was 300 Pounds Heavier

The anonymous(boo!) Sex Diary I did for NYMag.com http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2013/03/weight-loss-sex-diary.html

1. Stuff got messed up in the editing process…story of my life!

2. I was NOT calling my shrink fat !

3. The savages who comment on this thing, were actually tame and dare I say…nice. Who fucking knew?

Enjoy!

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THE (NEWLY) SKINNY: AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY SLUT

http://t.co/4Ws4aTeOFS

What About Me Screams ‘Piss On Me’?

I know this may sound shocking, but when I was fat – I was slutty. Crazy, I know. Not really and to be honest, I’d probably be up to the same shenanigans right now, if I didn’t have the rough summer.

ANYWAYS!

A friend from college shot me an email and I’m glad she felt comfortable enough to ask me for ‘help’. Her family & friends are insanely stuffy and we clicked because we’re opposites. But with that said, I probably should be offended by the fact that she thought of me when presented with this ummmm *opportunity*?

So Anne(names have been changed to protect the innocent) recently started seeing a new guy  and everything seems to be perfect. They’ve been living their ideal young republican life and they’re getting comfy with each other. They’ve been sleeping with each other and so far their sex life has been great.

Over the weekend, my friend and her boyfriend had that conversation that all couples have. “So what are you into?” At some point, we all need to let our guards down and tell our partners what we like and what we want them to do. Honesty is the best policy when it comes to sex – whether we like it or not.

My friend Anne told him what she liked and didn’t liked and luckily, he was down for fun. When it came for him to tell her what he liked, it didn’t go as planned. Anne has been lucky & the majority of the guys were into the same things she was – so it was perfect. But this guy is different. This new love of her life is into piss play.

Yes, occasionally – if the mood seems right. He likes to pee on his lady friend. Do you see why I’m wondering if I should be offended?

Now, I know what I’ve done in my sexual past and I know I’m slutty. But I’ve never once had a guy pee on me. So I’d like to know what is it about me that screams: “PLEASE PISS ON ME!!” I’m not going to lie, I’ve done a lot of stuff – how else are you suppose to find out what you like. But I can say I have no desire to be peed on or pee on someone. So I’m sorry to ruin whatever fantasy or thoughts you have about me.

But in her email, she asked what I would do if in her position. Once again, what about me screams piss on me. I mean, in college I was overweight, I drank a lot and I had low self-esteem. So I was a slut or a catch – depending on which camp you come from. I won’t go into graphic details into what I’ve done, because I would like to you all to be able to hold a conversation with me without having certain mental images burned into your brain. Suddenly I care about my reputation? Who knew that would happen? I’m getting soft in my old age.

So what the hell do you tell someone who’s debating about taking one for the team and becoming the latest victim of ‘yellow discipline’? I shouldn’t say victim, that’s not right. But it’s kinda hard not to judge someone when urine is the topic on the table.

I ended up telling my friend that if she did do it – do it in the shower, at least she’d be able to wash the badness away and take a ‘Crying Game’ shower afterwards. She kept asking me what I would do. I said I wouldn’t do it. Mainly because I’m a control freak and it’s piss! But I can’t tell her what to do. As easy as it is for us to go by what our friends or families say – sometimes taking the easy way out isn’t the best way to do things.

You have to be an adult and make these decisions on your own. And you end up not liking what you’ve done, oh well. You live, you learn. But don’t let the ass force you into anything and if you do it and end up liking it – you’re gross and we can’t be friends anymore. Sinner.

Look at it this way, it could be worse. At least he’s not asking to shit on you or asking you to go to a Black Eyed Peas concert. If that’s not grounds for a break up, then I don’t know what is.

When Did We Get So Dumb?

I have a confession to make, I don’t want to get married or have kids. Shocking, isn’t? I’m a grown woman and I’m not driven by getting a piece of hardware on my finger. I’d like to think there’s more to life than getting married and becoming a baby factory – but maybe I’m wrong.

I recently had to cut ties with someone, not because we got into a huge fight or whatever. I just couldn’t deal with what she’s become. I don’t know what it is, but why do women turn into morons the minute a man is in their life? I can understand it happening when we’re 12 and it’s the first time we have feelings for someone – but Christ almighty, grow up.

Listen, I’m not saying relationships are bad & you shouldn’t be in one. I just think, if you lose who you are when you’re in one – what’s the point? I had another friend who use to see a guy and he would give her a big wod of cash after their weekend trysts. When I found this out, I was speechless. “Well, he’s helping me out and he knows I need the money.” Now I’m all for the legalization of prostitution – but I don’t think I could whore myself out. No matter how badly myself & my boyfriend needed the cash. Did I mention she was in a relationship – on top of the one she had with her sugar daddy?

Now I know there’s probably a few of you who are thinking, ‘Well, Cameron is just jealous!’ and no, I’m not. Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t want a vagina that’s like saloon doors in a old Western and after everything I’ve been thru, I’d like to think I know what’s really important in life. You tend to do a lot of thinking when they’re replacing one IV with another in the hospital.

Prior to all of the nonsense of this summer, I was quite happy with my life. OK, I was a fat pig – but I was seeing guys. I must have been doing something right? And by ‘right’ I mean I was a slut. How else was I going to get a second date? I made it work for me and I was happy.

Besides, a train-wreck of a human being, like me, should NEVER have kids. Are you kidding me? Do you really think someone like myself, should be shaping the minds of the youth? The little bastard’s first word would probably be ‘Cunt’ and would be thrown off the playground for threatening to set fire to the other children. Plus, I’ve worked really hard to be happy with my body & I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some creature ruin it for me.

If they liked us before, why do we have to change? It’s like those girls who date guys only to change everything about them? Why not find a guy who’s what you want? Why do you have to mold them into something else? One of my guy friends was turned into a preppy clone once. We still mock him on a regular basis about it. He changed every aspect of his life for this girl and considered leaving a job he was happy at/with – only because she wanted him to do something she approved of. After less than a year, they broke up and he refers to her as ‘the Godless whore’ & punches things.

I recently started talking to someone. He’s cool – but he has secret nice side and it weirds me out. The asshole that lives inside wants to call him a ‘homo’ and throw a snowball at him and kick him in the balls. I’m a keeper I know. But I’m not use to guys who are sensitive and have feelings. I’m use to guys who throw the word ‘Cunt’ around as much as I do & shows his affection by letting me pick the seat I want in the movies.

Maybe I’m wrong? Maybe I should live my life according to what Cosmo and the crazy old lady at Target says? Last week while shopping at the Bulls-Eye, an old woman threw a couple pairs of fancy panties at me and tried to remove the ones I picked out already and then told me, “You’re too pretty to wear those & no man is going to want to see them. You shouldn’t give up already.” Ummm I haven’t. But since my body is in no condition to be seen naked right now – I really don’t care what I wear under my clothes. Once I get the skin overall & a new set of boobs – game on. By the way, if anyone wants to make a tax deductible donation towards my new boobs – I have a sliding scale of what liberties you get with my boobs if you donate. It beats going on Stern and having lunchmeat thrown at me.