College Prep with Cameron

I got a phone call last week, one of my cousins just graduated from high school and she’ll be leaving for college soon. I have close to 40 cousins – I’m the only one who’s graduated from college(so far). So my aunt wants me to talk to her and instill some of the lessons learned during my four years at Pine Mattress.

I figured by having a chat with the lass, this would be my good deed for the day and Lord knows I need all the help I can get. I mean, she’s a good kid and far more sheltered than I ever was. But considering how I was at her age, I get why her family has her on a very short leash and honestly, I wish I had someone to set me straight before I left for school. So Maisey, this one’s for you!

1. A Two Day School Weeks Are Never A Good Idea: In theory it’s perfect. Extra long weekends & more time to spend on your work. I had two semesters like this and they were miserable. One of them being the final semester of my senior year. I ended up getting pneumonia a month & a half before graduation. Luckily I had understanding professors. So spread your classes out.

2. Serve Your Own Beer A Frat Parties: When it came to keg parties, I was very D.I.Y.. But I did it for health reasons. See one of the frats we use to go to, the ‘bartenders’ use to relieve themselves in between  serving their customers drinks. Now, normally I would be cool with it – well, as long as they washed their hands. But these lad didn’t. Oh & their piss trough was next to the keg. So unless you want your beer to have the bitter, lemony taste of urine – I’d watch who’s serving you.

3. “I swear, I’ll pull out!”: Lord knows I’ve fallen for that line more times than I want to admit to. Waiting to get your period after this has happened isn’t fun and oddly enough, they tend to stop giving you the morning after pill after two or three dozen times. Not that I would know…… So yeah, use a condom or embrace the blow job.

4. Ask for help: I know your professors can come off like know-it-all dick bags, but there’s a reason why and that’s what their paid for. So make’em earn their paychecks.

5. Speak up for yourself: Say your final is writing a script and you & classmates bust your asses working on your scripts, only to find out one jackass decided to turn in an episode of ‘Sweet Valley High’. I know being a tattletale isn’t cool – but do the right thing.

And let’s say you go out with a guy and he gets grabby and you’re not feeling it. It’s ok to say ‘Hey asshole, please stop or I’ll stab you in your thorax.’ I didn’t and I wish I did. It’s not the best thing to live with and I’m sure I could have saved money on therapy bills if I punch the asshole and I wouldn’t probably wouldn’t have eaten so much afterwards. Explains a lot, huh? But it ended up making me into the person I am today. So that’s a plus? What doesn’t kill us – makes us stronger. *fart noise*

So that’s my list so far for lil’Maisey so far. I’m taking her out to dinner this weekend and giving her a care package to open after her parents have left. She’s a good kid and hopefully smarter than I was at 18.


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