How Child Abuse Made Me A Team Canada Fan

Now, I maybe born and raised in the US of A – but the majority of my mother’s family hails from the great white north. My Nana, Celeste, not to be confused with Mama Celeste and her delicious microwavable treats, was a product of Prince Edward Island. She loved where she was from and would tell me about her life growing up on the farm and her summers she spent on the beach.

Celeste was a classy lady(unlike me who’s a heathen) and enjoyed the finer things in life. She was the type who never let her hair get wet while swimming (besides the time I flipped her & inner tube over in the pool by accident) and was always impeccably dressed. Sporty she was not, but she loved watching them.

For whatever reason, she hated Roger Clemens with a passion(she must have been clairvoyant) – but loved the Sox, she blushed & turned into a school girl when she would talk about the time she met Red Auerbach and she would be sitting right next to me cheering on the Bruins when I was little. She loved sports and she especially loved the Olympics. Now granted, she had left Canada when she was 19 – but she still considered it home and was very proud to say she was from there.

She was so proud – that whenever the Olympics were on,  the two of us became Team Canada loudest cheerleaders. So how did Celeste get me to share her love for America’s hat? By beating it into me. See, Celeste used the fear technique to get me to support her native land. If either my grandfather or I showed the slightest bit of patriotism or support for the US during the Olympics or some international sports competition - 9 times out of 10, someone was going to get smack and let me tell you, homegirl had some power behind that punch.

So after a few shots to the head, I learned my lesson and  was all about the Maple Leaf. I know it’s weird to think that child abuse is the reason behind me throwing my support to Team Canada, but for me it makes sense and honestly? I’d feel guilty switching sides now.  Celeste was awesome and I wouldn’t be the broad that I am today if it wasn’t for her. I wouldn’t have a dent in my forehead either, if it wasn’t for her – but that’s not that point. The point is, is that I’m afraid I’m going to get clocked by a rogue shoe(thanks to her ghost) if ever start rooting for Team USA. Plus,  Phil Kessel is on Team USA and whenever I see him on tv – I have the urge to throw something at him.  BUT I’M NOT BITTER! It’s just another reason for me to root against the US.

So out of support of my Nana, I’m Team Canada this year. Even though their national cheer is LAME.

Nice hair, Dick!

Now, I know all about the comb over – but what’s it called when you brush your hair completely forward to cover up your receding hair-line?

Could you find a less appealing hairdo?

 Time and karma are harsh mistresses, son. If anything, he’s drawing more attention to it and looks worse. Just shave it. It worked for Steve Begin!

Bears Love Begin

The Devil Went Down to Boston

Hell has frozen over. Miroslav Satan has arrived in Boston and practiced with the Bruins this morning in Wilmington. Unfortunately, my car is about as good on the ice as Dennis Wideman, and I did not make it, but I had sources on the inside and can still tell you what went down.

Satan isn’t exactly fresh off his 2009 Stanley Cup-winning season with the Pittsburgh Penguins, so he was rocking a red “no contact” jersey when he took to the ice at Ristuccia. Joining him in red was Milan Lucic, who is still nursing his high ankle sprain. Both Satan and Lucic are expected to be game ready in 7-10 days. Mark Stuart was also skating, but did not participate in the practice drills. His return timetable is still unknown, but obviously due to the severity of his injury, it will be awhile before he suits up with the rest of the boys.

Most notable was Satan’s choice of numbers. In Pittsburgh, Satan wore #81. And who was 81 for the Bruins last year? None other than Spencer Pratt, err, I mean, Phil Kessel, our own version of The Devil. Once again, the Bruins will have an 81, so if you’ve covered Kess’ name with a demonic slur of some sort, your protest jersey now isn’t too far from fact.

Seriously folks, the jokes write themselves.

xoxox, SweetCaroline04

You can't make this shit up.

Holiday Message From Cameron Frye….

So this time last year, I was in a shitty mood. Granted, it was for obvious reasons – but no need to go into that! But what a difference a year makes.

I just wanted to thank everyone for reading my drivel and supporting me. I really appreciate it.  It’s shocking, it’s even more shocking that some of you seem to actually like it and come back for more. What’s wrong with you?

I’d also like to take this time and thank the people who supposedly hate me and talk crap about me. Thanks for the free publicity. You rock! It feels my hear that you would actually take that much time out of your day to talk about me. I’d tussle you hair, like the scamps that you are, if I had the chance.

Anyways! So what can you expect in 2010? Well, the addition of SweetCaroline04 is just the tip of the iceberg and much like the Love Boat, it’ll be exciting & new . I don’t want to go into the specifics, but a ‘Justice League’ of female bloggers is being organized and I see nothing but good things to come. I’ve tried doing this before and I think with the group I have now – it could work. It could also blow up in my face, but that’s the risk you take working with broads.

So once again, thanks for everything and hopefully Santa or Hanukkah Harry have you covered. Happy Holidays(but you know I really mean Merry Christmas.). Oh yeah, Phil Kessel is a douche.

Spreading Good Cheer….

I couldn’t make it to The Sandbox’s Holiday Hootenanny and I was honored that they did invite me. So instead, I sent some cookies in my place and a lovely note. More proof I’m a classy individual and all about spreading the Christmas cheer! By the way, the changed my Phil Kessel  message. Savages. Don’t they know not to mess with genius?

Merry Christmas, Philly Boy.....here's some proactiv for you!

Join Hub Hockey for HACKEY NIGHT!

It's HACKEY NIGHT in Boston!

Not going to tonight’s game and missing out on Kesselmania II? Head on over to HubHockey.com for the game time chat! It starts at 6:30 and I’ll see you there!

Thanks to Curl from WrapAroundCurl for sharing the graphic goodness with moi.

BREAKING NEWS: Shawn Thornton Doesn’t Like Phil Kessel…Duh?

"Kessel sucks and Bitz is dead to me!"

 ”…..I don’t like him.”   

Shawn Thornton  stated the obvious this morning on the Toucher  & Rich  morning show and  admitted he wasn’t the biggest fan of Phil Kessel.  ”I don’t know if we’re better off without him, but I know he wasn’t the best fit.” Granted it took some prodding from the T&R, but it was nice to finally hear it. After discussing the team’s dynamic with & without Kessel, Thornton talked about the crowd’s reaction to Phil the Thrill’s return on Saturday night. “I hope he didn’t come here thinking he was going to get cheered whenever touched the puck.” He mentioned that there are some players who love getting the hate from the crowd, but from the looks of it, Phil isn’t one of them. Pitty. Not really.  

Phil Kessel isn’t the only one on Thornton’s shit list. Thornton is evidently still a tad bitter that his former linemate, Byron Bitz, left him for the glamorous first line. “I don’t know anyone by the name Byron Bitz…”   You can hear the entire interview on the Toucher & Rich podcast (fast forward to 26:10 for the interveiw) on 98.5 The Sports Hub.

Even Animals Skate Better Than Wideman!

Dennis Wideman over the off-season evidently forgot how to skate and has been a bucket of fail lately. He hasn’t been skating with the team during practices this week and he’s evidently suffering from a ‘upper body injury’ according to most reports. So here’s to hoping we see more Johnny Boychuk tonight when #FailKessel and the rest of the Leafs hit the ice tonight.

Now I’m not one to kick a man when he’s down – but I’m a firm believer in a good ribbing. So here’s the start of a new series(which probably won’t last) – Things That Skate Better Than Wideman!

Today’s edition: MONKEYS!

‘She’ll gets it poppin’ with no hands I’ll make it pour!’

So after reading this on twitter:

I think we need to make Mike a eunuch and show Kessel exactly what he’s missing in Boston. Make it rain on the Wisconsin Wussy and if it happens – pics & video or it didn’t happen!!

Spread the word!!!

Kessel got into a fight?

After passing out last night, I woke up to see the Phil Kessel got into his first NHL fight. As impressed as I am that he actually stood up for himself – unlike when he was in Boston…you know, when he’d sneak away after causing shit and let someone else clean up his mess. Philly Boy actually took matters into his own greasy, sweaty hands. Who knew the nasally, selfish dick bag had it in him?

I could have been seeing things, but was that a smile I saw on Brian Burke’s face last night after the fight? Was Burke impressed by how Kessel ‘dominated’ the fight?  By the way, I never once in my life would ever think I’d write about Kessel ‘dominating’ anything. Maybe a sandwich or a box tissues – but never a fight. Also, is it really dominating when all he did was yank on Kris Russell’s jersey like a 5 year old yanking on his mommy’s skirt for attention? *shakes head* Welcome to the bizzaro world.

So let’s hope he doesn’t have any infections – blood and zit puss is never a recipe for a good time and let’s hope he has  this fighting spirit in Boston. I’m sure there’s a few lads in black & gold who would love to get a crack at him. Oh yeah, my offer still stands and not just to Bitz. It’s open to ANYONE! I’m easy to please.

For those of you who missed the fun, thanks to the wonder that is YouTube -here you go!