B-R-U-I-N-S Not U-S-A!

Ok. So I haven’t wirtten about hockey much this year. But I do have a request for the Bruins fans out there and hopefully you’ll humor me and take this request seriously.

I’m amped the Bruins are going to the Stanley Cup Finals, why wouldn’t I be? It’s a great thing for the team, the fans and for the city of Boston. Plus, why should they let the Red Sox get all the attention? Let those bitches work for it! Now I do have one request for the fans when going to the games in town and I’m sure there’s more than a few who will disagree with this request, but hear me out. The Boston Bruins have 3, yes, THREE(1-2-3) players on the roster from the United States. Can we PLEASE drop the ‘USA’ chant?

Do I get why y’all do it? Yeah. I mean, we ARE in the US and Tim Thomas is from the US and we don’t let the colors run and we killed Bin Laden. Yeah, yeah, I get it. I know you chant it to inspire the players or Thomas. But it’s not about one guy – it’s a team effort!

But there is just something about the chant during a normal hockey game that’s just so cringe worthy. It just screams ‘Douche Bag American’ and what aboot the players from different lands that bust their humps? Where’s there’s chant?(Since you’ll never be able to inspire Kaberle, can we all agree that he is the Eric Gagne of the Bruins?)

Oh and Vancouver has 6 American players. Two of them are Ryan Kesler & Andrew Alberts. Do you REALLY want to inspire them? I mean, Kesler is a beast and Alberts is…..ok….not so much Alberts. But you get what I’m trying to say, right?

Do you really want to inspire these douche nozzles?

With that said, if you’re looking to chant something at the game – here are some ideas for you:

Thomas is Good!
Go Whalers….Errr…Ummm…I mean, never mind!
Chara is Tall!
Make Daddy Proud, Greggy!

And my personal favorite:
Kesler is a Cunt!

So feel free to take the ball and run with it. Come up with your own chant to inspire the Black & Gold and who knows, maybe we can get together and sing it to the boys over & over & over again during a parade in Boston? It could happen……..right?

Godspeed!

Oh yeah…P.S. Can we PLEASE have Terry Francona, Doc Rivers & Bill Belichick speak to the lads & inspire them to win?

How Not To Handle The Media After A Loss

I don’t think Sidney would have done that if Team Canada had lost. Ovi is the Goofus to Sidney’s Gallant.

King Crosby

It had to be “him”. If Canada was going to win the gold, you know “he” had to be the reason why. We all know who “he” is and for some reason, the fact that “he” scored that goal last night – made the US’s over time loss to Canada burn a little more for some people.

I know a lot of you out there uttered the phrase, “Anyone but him!” after Crosby scored the goal. But let’s drop the hate for five minutes? I know you think he’s a cry baby, boring and there’s a laundry list of other reasons why you don’t like him. But, let’s face the kid can play. He’s talented – he didn’t get as far as he has based on looks alone. Don’t get me wrong, the kid is a looker and has a great ass - but he’s worked that ass to get where he is today.

Just moments into over time, the kid from Cole Harbor, Sidney Crosby, got the puck past Ryan Miller and his legend grew a little bit more.

But it wasn’t just Sidney who won the game, Roberto Luongo proved why he is the best goalie in the NHL. Corey Perry scored his fourth goal in the series, with the help of his Ducks teammate, Ryan Getzlaf. Jonathan Toews was one of the unsung heroes – getting his first goal yesterday and he was named the top forward in the tournament.

Plus, you’d be an idiot if you didn’t give props to Team USA. According to most people out there, they were going to be a non-issue. They were the youngest team in the tournament and in-goal was a guy who had hit the skids prior to the Olympic break. They proved everyone wrong. They made people like Brian Rafalski and Ryan Kesler household names and hopefully inspired a few kids out there to pick up a stick and put on some skates.

Team USA wouldn’t have gotten as far as they did, if it wasn’t for the performance of Ryan Miller. He was undoubtedly the star in many people’s eyes of the Olympic games and watching him so visibly upset was hard to handle.

This isn’t the first time Miller had an unfortunate run in with Sidney Crosby. Picture it, Buffalo, 2008. It’s a snowy New Year’s Day at Ralph Wilson Stadium and a young, Sidney Crosby gets the puck past Ryan Miller during the shoot out and wins the game. Hopefully Miller doesn’t go all Ray Finkle on the people of Buffalo, he was amazing during the Olympics and I know he wanted a gold medal – but a silver is nothing to look down on. You were the star, sir and I tip my cap to you.

If that doesn’t help, Team USA – well, just remember…  at least you’re not Russia.

CHOKE-VECHKIN

"Do you think my medal will clash with my Stanley Cup ring?"

I was nervous  – but extremely excited. Russia, historically, usually was a tough opponent and I didn’t want Team Canada to blow their load, excuse the term, on them and have nothing to offer later. But, I couldn’t wait to see the two powerhouses battle it out. I mean, this was suppose to be the gold medal game and instead, the top contenders were holding on for dear life. It was Thunderdome!

Did we get Thunderdome? Nope. What did the Olympic viewing audience view? What most of us viewed from the comforts of our own home, was basically the varsity football team beating up on the kids in the slow class.  You know it’s bad to beat up on the retarded kids, but sometimes you got to smack’em around & show’em who’s boss.

It was great to see Canada put the goal in the net over and over again, but a blow out is never a good time. It was depressing almost. I had the honor of catching the game with my father, Hank, and as an older gentleman, he was bummed that Russian wasn’t the beast that they use to be. Gone are the days where the Russians are the athletic superior and stacked with the best of the best. Back when their female athletes looked just as rough and masculine as the men.

Instead Russia’s team seems to be filled with victims of the Chernobyl disaster & coked up, emaciated male models. Don’t hit too them too hard or they’ll break their frail bones. Even Alexander Ovechkin couldn’t score on Canada. Maybe if he spent more time practicing like a his Capitals teammate, Brooks Laich, he’d be the superstar that he supposedly is.

Who knows, maybe Russia decided to take a year off and focus on Sochi in 2014? It’ll be interesting to see who’s in and who’s out when the Olympics come to their neck of the woods.

With last night’s win against Russia, Canada is now one game away from the gold medal round and we all know they want a rematch against Ryan Miller and Team USA. Who wouldn’t want to see that? Well, maybe Russia and the other losing teams in Olympic hockey tournament – but they should have won those all important games if they wanted their vote to count.

Canada takes on Slovakia Friday night, while the US takes on Finland.

But Canada Was Suppose To Win!

Waking up this morning, I couldn’t help but wonder if last night really happened. 30 years ago the US hockey team beat the Russians in Lake Placid, cut to 2010 and the US hockey beat Canada 5-3 in a huge upset.

During talks with the media prior to last night’s game, both teams were doing whatever they could to keep the rivalry alive. Team USA biggest pot stirrer was Vancouver Canuck, Ryan Kesler, who flat-out said he hated Team Canada and wanted to do whatever he could to make sure Team USA won. Bringing the hate paid off last night for  Team USA.

Team Canada got schooled on their own sport and it was embarrassing. There was no reason why USA should have won and after Team Canada barely won in a shoot out against Switzerland on Thursday, the same team that Team USA pulled off their first win against, you would have thought Babcock and the rest of his staff would do whatever they could to find the right line combination to battle and beat Team USA.

Now Team USA is hardly a rag tag group of guys – excuse the term, they’re the best that money can buy. The Bad News Bears, they’re not (although, I would like to nominate Kesler for the Tanner Boyle award for being the biggest shit starter). But unlike Team Canada, Team USA just seemed click together better. Maybe Brian Burke had them do extra trust falls or they had a slumber party during try-outs, where they shared their inner most secrets. I don’t know.Whatever they did, it’s working.

I mean look at  Brian Rafalsky – he’s suddenly the King of the Stars & Bars and  you know Mike Babcock is wondering what the hell is going on and probably recommending he gets tested by Olympic officials. Rafalsky has scored 4 goals so far in Vancouver, which is also the same amount of goals he’s scored in 57 games this season. I guess with the right teammates, anyone can be a superstar.

Team Canada plays against Germany next. If they beat Germany, they’ll take on Russia in the quarterfinals and if you think Sunday night’s game was intense, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

How Child Abuse Made Me A Team Canada Fan

Now, I maybe born and raised in the US of A – but the majority of my mother’s family hails from the great white north. My Nana, Celeste, not to be confused with Mama Celeste and her delicious microwavable treats, was a product of Prince Edward Island. She loved where she was from and would tell me about her life growing up on the farm and her summers she spent on the beach.

Celeste was a classy lady(unlike me who’s a heathen) and enjoyed the finer things in life. She was the type who never let her hair get wet while swimming (besides the time I flipped her & inner tube over in the pool by accident) and was always impeccably dressed. Sporty she was not, but she loved watching them.

For whatever reason, she hated Roger Clemens with a passion(she must have been clairvoyant) – but loved the Sox, she blushed & turned into a school girl when she would talk about the time she met Red Auerbach and she would be sitting right next to me cheering on the Bruins when I was little. She loved sports and she especially loved the Olympics. Now granted, she had left Canada when she was 19 – but she still considered it home and was very proud to say she was from there.

She was so proud – that whenever the Olympics were on,  the two of us became Team Canada loudest cheerleaders. So how did Celeste get me to share her love for America’s hat? By beating it into me. See, Celeste used the fear technique to get me to support her native land. If either my grandfather or I showed the slightest bit of patriotism or support for the US during the Olympics or some international sports competition - 9 times out of 10, someone was going to get smack and let me tell you, homegirl had some power behind that punch.

So after a few shots to the head, I learned my lesson and  was all about the Maple Leaf. I know it’s weird to think that child abuse is the reason behind me throwing my support to Team Canada, but for me it makes sense and honestly? I’d feel guilty switching sides now.  Celeste was awesome and I wouldn’t be the broad that I am today if it wasn’t for her. I wouldn’t have a dent in my forehead either, if it wasn’t for her – but that’s not that point. The point is, is that I’m afraid I’m going to get clocked by a rogue shoe(thanks to her ghost) if ever start rooting for Team USA. Plus,  Phil Kessel is on Team USA and whenever I see him on tv – I have the urge to throw something at him.  BUT I’M NOT BITTER! It’s just another reason for me to root against the US.

So out of support of my Nana, I’m Team Canada this year. Even though their national cheer is LAME.

Olympic Hockey Recap: The Nobody Cares About Jarome Iginla Edition

“You like me! You really like me!”

After days of sitting through filler, all eyes are on men’s hockey in Vancouver and no matter how hard NBC tried to keep their viewing audience from watching the games, the viewing audience lucked out and caught a glimpse of what they can hopefully expect during the medal rounds.

Team USA kicked off the day by taking on the delegation from Switzerland. The Swiss team was anchored by Anaheim (Mighty) Duck goalie, Jonas Hiller. Prior to the Olympic break, Hiller posted a record of 5-2  and was having a little more success than Team USA’s goalie, Ryan Miller. The Buffalo Sabre, had recently hit the skids and was struggling as of late. Miller had only one win the month of February. But much like the playoffs, the Olympics are an entirely different.

The US were the first to strike 18:59 into the first period. Robert Ryan, not to be confused with Bobby Ryan of the Anaheim (Mighty) Ducks, scored the unassisted goal on his NHL teammate. The  Cherry Hill Giant will be holding his head a little bit higher today.

Bobby Ryan told reporters after yesterday’s win, “Once I scored, I was able to settle down and come back into my own a little bit.” US General manager, Brian Burke understood her team would be nervous and they had every right to be. “This is the big stage. This is Broadway.”

St. Louis Blue David Backes, scored 6 mins into the 2nd and that was followed up by Tampa Bay’s Ryan Malone’s power play goal half way through the second period. By the end of the 2nd period, the US was ahead 3-1 and were up 22 shots to Switzerland’s 15 shots.

Now, I don’t want to say the US mailed it in and didn’t give their 100% during the 3rd period, but they only had 2 shots on goal. TWO – count’em 1-2 shots on goal. It’s bad enough the US Women’s hockey team did it against Russia, but you’re there to win and you want to be intimidating. Enough of this sportsmanship crap. Kick some ass and show these other countries they can’t mess with the stars & bars. The US takes on Norway next.

The US’s next opponent lost last night to Canada in a shut out. Hometown hero, Roberto Luongo, blocked all 15 shots on goal. But the real star of the night was Jarome Iginla. The man who according to Sean Avery nobody cared about because he was too boring, captivated the crowd the with his hat trick – one of which came on the power play.

Dany Heatley followed up Iginla’s performance with 2 goals, Philadelphia’s Mike Richards(who Doc referred to as Washington Capital, Mike Green – Ouch! Burn!) and Ryan Getzlaf & Corey Perry of the (Mighty) Ducks each scored one. Canada’s #1 son, Sidney Crosby, had three assists for the night. Unlike, the US – Canada didn’t lay down in the 3rd period and led with 42 shots on goal. Canada takes on Switzerland on Thursday.

Finally the Russian Federation or Russia as I like to call them, beat Latvia 8-2. Washington Capital, Alex Ovechkin and AK Bars Kazan(not to be confused with the cinematic gem, Kazaam) Danis Zaripov each scored 2 goals. Evgeni Malkin of the Pittsburg Penguins and Ilya Kovalchuck of the Atlanta Thrasers New Jersey Devils each scored a goal and recorded an assist.  Russia hits the ice next on Thursday and takes on Slovakia in a game we probably won’t be able to see because NBC are ass hats.

If you’re looking to fill your hockey fix today: Finland takes on Belarus, Sweden plays Germany and the Czech Republic takes on Slovakia.